Microlosses

My fingers gripped the steering wheel and a yell flew from my mouth: “TIMEOUT!” Tears fought with my logic brain to decide if they would roll down or remain stifled. My kids had really done it this time - my daughter had yelled at my son, “I hate you!” A thousand thoughts pinballed in my weary head, but one lingered: “How did I get here?” The pain felt enormous. 

Here’s the thing - It wasn’t one particular loss or change or disruption. ALL of the little losses I carried had finally reached a tipping point. One of my jobs had changed; my grandmother was in the hospital; my husband couldn’t be home for several nights to help with the kids; school was coming to an end, and I was unsure what to do about child care for the summer; our dog was getting sicker and waking up earlier; and apparently, enough was enough. My hotheaded kids pushed my nervous system to the brink, and so the tears came.

The “TIMEOUT” I so loudly enforced was really the antidote my nervous system needed. I was in desperate need of a moment for myself, space to take stock of these little losses. But since the week began, I just kept pushing them aside or compartmentalizing, so I had little time to notice (so said my mind). My body began to notice, though, and told me so. My lower back muscles became sore, the ache in my neck grew, and finally, in this moment, the tears came. 

I understand now better than ever that our little losses matter. Microlosses accumulate until they’ve amassed a weight of their own in our soul that we can’t ignore. In fact, whether we are conscious of it or not, they begin to affect us physically. They accumulate in our system until our body’s alarms begin to go off. Maybe for you, like me, they show up as muscle tension, or it could be stomach pain, insomnia, growing fatigue, dizziness, headaches, etc. 

If we take time to tend to our little losses, we can begin to calm the nervous system before there’s a takeover! One of the best ways to calm the nervous system is deep breathing. In fact, once I realized I was just as out of control as my kids, we were all doing breathing exercises in the car and sitting in silence. It made a world of difference. Just that five minutes of silence and intentional breathing gave us all the reset we needed. From a much calmer place, we began to reconnect. However, that wasn’t the end of the story. I needed to go home and begin to name the losses I had been carrying. It wasn’t until I realized all that my body, mind, and soul carried that I began to heal. I could see what I wasn’t able to before: those “little” losses that I dismissed weren’t so little to me, especially when compounded. Finally, after several days of processing, I was able to get grounded again. I was able to move out the pain and tension I had by taking extra walks, journaling, and enjoying a long hot bath.

The next time you feel road rage or intense emotion at the grocery store, perhaps consider the tens or hundreds of microlosses that you have been carrying unnamed and unattended to. Take a timeout for yourself to notice what you are feeling and the body sensations that are emerging. Show self-compassion by giving yourself the space to breathe and move out the pain and tension they have caused. 

After all, little losses matter too.